pentacles, magic

A nice cup of rabies

Rantings with occasional art.

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Memorial: Ricky Garduno
pentacles, magic
shatterstripes


Better luck next time, man.

(Edit: some small changes, mostly to make it clear that I don't blame his ex in any way.)
(Edit2: I've been vaguely wanting to reconnect with the LA animation scene now that I'm back on the west coast. Doing it over the death of one of my closest friends during my time down there is about the worst goddamn way possible to do that. Hi, Amid. And hi, everyone who's coming here from Cartoon Brew. I'll see some of you guys at the funeral soon, I guess. Fuck. And I'm starting to cry again just thinking about that.)

I never knew you, Ricky, but ... DAMN it could have been just around the corner, and now you missed it.


Yep. Who knows what he missed?

I really think it was a mistake, rather than a deliberate act (there are some details of the manner of his death I've left out), but in the state he was in... it's damn hard to tell.

An amazingly fluid and heartfelt comic in its own right. I'm constantly stunned by my friends who are able to take their emotions and put them into their work like you have done here and also awed by the courage to share it with the world as you did. I'm really sorry for your loss. I feel a little shallow saying thanks for sharing the work, but I mean it. I hope that it has brought you some bit of comfort. Hugs, Peggy.

I kinda... had to.

I drew this, then just kinda stared at the net processing this event with some of Ricky's other friends via Facebook. Listened to the cited song, which is about a similar kind of loss... and dug up an e-mail address to thank Dolby for sharing HIS pain, because it helped me with mine.

Then I could sleep.

Thanks.

I know nothing of Ricky, but this is a good eulogy.

This brings tears to my eyes, Peggy. It's really beautiful. I imagine Ricky would appreciate you creating such a beautiful and honest comic as a memorial to him and your friendship.

May he rest in peace.

*sending gentleness to you at this time*

He would probably also give me shit for deciding to just give out on the crass punch line that didn't quite work.

(I was gonna riff off his last strip and say "goddamnit, next time listen to the cat" at the very bottom, but it didn't quite make sense what with Kimbo being pretty much suffocated anyway.)

:-) It's that familiarity between friends that's sweetens their place in the heart.

Edited at 2011-12-08 04:33 pm (UTC)

Lovely. V sad.

*hugs*

Edited at 2011-12-08 05:41 pm (UTC)

Powerful and effective. I think your friend would appreciate it.

Thanks.

I just wish I could e-mail this - and Gabe's essay, and the ton of comments on Facebook - to him a week ago. Maybe it'd create a much-desired paradox.

(Which, were we in the world of Ricky's comic, would probably result in something far, far worse happening when Ricky accidentally opened the gate to the apocalypse next year or something.)

*hug* I'm sorry, too, that he left the world so early on in his life. :( Glad you knew him though..

Gonna miss him for a good long while. I wish I'd gotten to see what he'd done if he'd survived this low point.

Thanks.

for this tribute; it is really beautiful. (hug)

As somebody who has gone through depression (and still does), it really hits close to home.

I'm lucky. I managed to find a path that took me a long, long away from the depression. But oh how I have been there.

Thanks. *hug*

*great big internet hugs*

I've heard you talk about him before, he was really important to you, even though you were far apart. :/

My condolences on your loss. *more hugs*

It's a weird sort of thing. I only got to know of Ricky through his comic and only in the last handful of months (I think I ended up stumbling across Dumm comics thanks to you linking to one of the comics there). I'm sorry this happened.

Depression is a nasty, nasty beast, isn't it?

Thanks.

i just want to say the girlfriend part is innaccurate. he broke up with her a while a go, and oly started having the fits and freak outs about it when she found a boyfriend and he figured out she wasnt going to be there incase he wanted her again.

its sad that he's gone but i would like it if you didnt mix his ex up in this, you may cause anger towards her
she is even afraid to go to the funeral if there is one because she is worried people will blame her.

I have no ill I will towards her; I tried to politely tell Ricky that his fixation on her after the breakup was no good for anyone involved. I think that was about the point where he stopped writing back, in fact.

All I really know about that relationship is the obviously biased narrative I get from its mirror in his comic and our email - he always made it sound more like she dumped him to me.

I have nothing but sympathy for her position here. I don't even know her name but I don't blame her for his death, or his depression. This is just me trying to put down what I saw, and dig into some of why it hit me so damn hard.

Edited at 2011-12-09 03:24 am (UTC)

I've edited it a little. See the top, and more importantly, see the addition after the panel of Kimbo with the harp. Hopefully I've made it clear that I don't blame her for this in the least - if anything I have sympathy for her; having a friend kill himself sucks, and having an ex kill himself while obsessing over you has got to suck a hell of a lot more.

If she's seen this and been hurt by the impression that I blame her, please convey my humble apologies - this was done in haste as I blearily combed through e-mail, Facebook, Dumm, and Tumblr trying to make sense of this fucked-up thing my friend did to himself.

hello Peggy, my god, here you are-I used to read your livejournal...I came here via cartoon brew, curious about this troubled man that so many people couldn't seem to be around, but loved and admired nevertheless. That was a beautiful tribute. Your art floored me. Perfectly judged.

Feel free to keep reading it again. It's still pretty much the same stuff except maybe with less bitterness.

And thank you.

I'm sorry I...

[...]

...

The day I decided to commit suicide was the best fucking day in the world. I was living in emotional pain being crushed by specters I could not name. Deciding to die was like opening the window in the morning for the first time in years. I was livid. The pain had vanished. The pain from helplessness was gone because I had decided to take charge of it. The pain from unknowing what hurt me was gone because I had defined my life around an end. I was going to do so much good - sell of my house and send money to everyone I knew who needed it. I'd score a bunch of pills and go out into the woods where I knew nobody went. I hadn't been happier in years.

I never knew Ricky but, if it's any reassurance, his last days were probably better than he'd had in a long time. For at least a little while, his head might have risen above the clouds and the Black Dog backed down and whined.

Naturally I am very sad and upset by Ricky's passing. I hope you are holding up as well.

Thank you for sharing this.

I didn't know Ricky personally--I think I met him once in passing when I went with you to the animation school--but I knew he was your friend and learning of his death was a shock. I replied to your Facebook post but deleted it because ":(" seemed trite and inadequate even if it would have been the most genuine ":(" I ever typed.

Hahaha!

Hell, have you seen obit posts on Metafilter? The tradition there is that it you don't have anything to say - or can't find the words - you just comment with ".". Yes, a sole period. And some of those are pretty damn heartfelt "."s.

In hindsight, Visible Silence ("...") might have worked.

That's a beautiful and poignant tribute to someone who clearly touched your life in a meaningful way. My heartfelt condolences.

A few days on from hearing about it and I can think about other stuff again. The funeral's going to be fucking wrenching, though - hopefully in a way that gives me some closure on this abrupt tearing at my heart.

*reads up a couple of posts* ...and that's not a trite emoticon in the slightest, I promise.

I tend to use ":(" like "aww, darn" when posting on message forums so it felt inadequate at the time. I didn't mean to imply a value judgement on ":(" in general, especially given the situation.

Not taken as such, trust me. ♥

Thanks.

I really hope this isn't asking too much or anything, but I can't stop wondering if the cause of his death has been confirmed or not. I was such a fan of Ricky's but when he began to encompass his own life into the comics I became very unsettled. I recently suffered through losing my father when he took his own life due to depression and the continuous decline in his health. He had Hepatitis C and over the last few years had developed jaundice, a bloated stomach, and he began to lose his teeth. I am very familiar with the feelings and emotions that come from such a loss and I offer you and everyone else who cared about Ricky my deepest sympathies.

We'll get an official cause of death in mid-January.